032: Star Wars Gets Festive, or SoraRabbit Learns the True Meaning of Life Day

At this time of year, our thoughts turn to that which is most important. Of course I am referring to the ancient practice of raising our glowing Fabergé eggs to the sky, donning our crimson cult robes, and walking off into the void of space to hang around in a clearing for no apparent reason. That’s right, this post is about the time-honored and mysterious practices of Life Day! The spaciest of all holidays!

Oy that font. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

By crazy chance, this ended up being my third Star Wars related post in a row. I honestly didn’t plan it that way, but since it happened we may as well— like with the Battle of Endor— end this trilogy on a triumphant note! Although this post contains no Ewoks, it is heavily concerned with another beloved race of hairy unintelligible aliens… the Wookies!

The Star Wars Holiday Special was a variety show broadcast once in 1978 and then never officially shown again. It was received rather poorly, and George Lucas was reportedly very displeased with the special. Although it was his idea that the special center on Wookies and his stubborn insistence that Wookies never be subtitled, he later claimed to have had nothing to do with it. (Granted, he was not involved much, but saying he was completely uninvolved is just a classic Lucas misdirection right there.) The Star Wars Holiday Special never received a home video release. All the copies known to exist were taped off the initial broadcast and circulated around. This is the only way most people have ever seen the show. It has gained a cult following since its airing, probably in part due to how rare it is.

The copy that I watched for this review and recap was the version done by Rifftrax. If you don’t know what that is, you’re really missing out. Rifftrax is run by Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy, originally of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fame. Since their time on that show, they have gone on to create a riffing empire of their own. If you have never checked them out, you absolutely should. They’re the best. (And no they did not sponsor this post, sadly.)

This special brought back many members of the main cast and is notable for introducing the fan-favorite character of Boba Fett for the first time. As part of the special, there is an animated segment made by Nelvana that introduces the Bounty Hunter prior to his appearance in Empire Strikes Back. Of course one thing that needs to be made clear before I begin is that this is not in any way canon. When Disney purchased Star Wars from LucasFilm in 2014 they wiped most of the ancillary works from canon in order to simplify things and open up future works. All that fell in canon at the time were the six mainline movies and the animated series The Clone Wars. (Which I have been posting about, hint hint!) Everything that followed the great purge of Disney would be considered canon. (Except the Lego Star Wars stuff. I mean, you gotta draw the line somewhere.) Everything else became a part of what is known as the Extended Universe. (It’s basically been relegated to fan fiction.) This special fell into that category and that is where it will stay for all time. However, the very first episode of The Mandalorian did mention Life Day in passing, a fact that thrills me to no end.

A note before I start: The quality on these screenshots are understandably bad. They are from a 40 year old VHS tape that was dubbed off the original broadcast. There is no remastered copy in existence as far as anyone knows. This is the quality there is. You’ll get used to it… I did. The poor film quality is just part of the experience. Oh, and there are a LOT of screenshots. (I think I landed on around 60 or so.) I couldn’t leave any of them out. There are so many screenshot-worthy moments in this special.

Also— and I’m very excited about this— this post has a first for me: I actually have a guest commentator who will be interjecting her thoughts here and there. This guest is someone longtime readers of this blog should be familiar with, my amazing wife, alias Cocoashade.

Cocoashade: “I don’t know what to use for an intro. Hey everyone, I’m Cocoashade. I love Star Wars. Blahblahblah.“

Really, that’s all that needs to be said!

Cocoashade: “Also I just sit on the couch and watch SoraRabbit type and type and type. I have the best view in the house.“

Aww.

Anyway, Cocoa often refers to Star Wars as her religion. Over the years I have found this to be true. We were able to share the sequel trilogy together, as well as Rogue One and Solo. I have subjected her to the prequels and long dissertations on The Clone Wars and the Marvel comic books. We’ve shared both seasons of The Mandalorian, and a couple of years ago we watched The Star Wars Holiday Special together… the first viewing for both of us. I couldn’t think of a better guest contributor for my retelling of this epic holiday tale.

So with all that said, let’s get going. Life Day waits for no Wookie!

Note that on the Rifftrax version they have a custom text crawl like in the main episodic films. They refer to this special as “Episode 4 1/2.” This text crawl serves the purpose of preparing the viewer for the strange treat they’re in for here. Rifftrax is the best. Another fun feature is that the Rifftrax version contains all the original commercials, which they also riff.

Cocoashade: “If you want to see a horrible movie bad enough, find a Rifftrax version of it to view first. Fingers crossed they get the rights to seasons 4-7 of Game of Thrones.”

Nyoooom! (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The special begins abruptly with Han and Chewie trying to escape from TIE Fighters.

Cocoashade: “STOCK FOOTAGE!”

Yes, accurate. Clearly they made this as cheaply as possible using archival footage from the films whenever possible. Our old pals Han and Chewy are flying the stock footage Millennium Falcon and are under attack by stock footage Imperial ships. They’re trying to get Chewie home to his family in time for something called Life Day. Side note here, there was NO mention in any of the films about Chewie having a family. If he really did, he never comes home. He’s a deadbeat dad. In space. Went out for Deathsticks and never comes back except on Life Days.

The majestic visage of… Itchy. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The narrator cheerfully introduces us to the main characters, including Chewie’s family: his father Itchy, his wife Malla, and his fat son Lumpy.

Cocoashade: “Why did my parents keep this from me? I was old enough to see it. I had no idea this existed back then. They could have taped this and I could have watched it over and over growing up. And I would have! I feel like I missed out.“

The production budget on this special is huge. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

After the credits, we find ourselves on the Wookie planet of Kashyyyk. The camera pans in on an unconvincing painting of the Chewie family’s tree house. Here is where we meet Chewie’s horrible family. (Joking. They’re actually charming monsters who would be lovely to know in real life. Except Itchy. Never Itchy.)

Welcome to Casa de Chewie. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Cocoashade: “Their carpet is astroturf. And really this is what 70s apartments looked like.“

What follows is several minutes of unintelligible Wookie noises without subtitles. Which is an interesting directorial choice. But then again, we have never had subtitles for Chewbacca. I will now introduce you to each member of Chewie’s family.

What an adorable snarling hell beast. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

This is Chewie’s son Lumpy. He is clearly suffering from an untreated space version of ADHD. His every expression screams a form of unspeakable madness the likes of which you and I will never know.

Cocoashade: “I like how Lumpy’s face fur is swept back like he uses product. Wookie pompadore.“

How did Chewie end up with this fine specimen? (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Chewie’s lovely wife Malla. She looks like she’s wearing subtle lipstick and is even taller than Chewie.

Cocoashade: “Chewie’s wife is HUGE.“

Fun fact: Malla’s mask was repurposed from an old Chewbacca mask. This serves the unintended purpose of making her look closely related to her husband. Which actually explains a lot about Lumpy.

This is what madness looks like. And probably smells like. I can smell this picture. And now so can you. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Chewbacca’s father Itchy looks like a twisted sasquatch. Truly an odd design choice. He has a terrible underbite that makes him look like his face is collapsing in on itself like a guy who took out his dentures to amuse and frighten his grandchildren. He looks cartoony as all hell.

Cocoashade: *just chuckles whenever Itchy is on screen*

Itchy is grumpy and carves starfighters out of wood. He alternates between ragefully lashing out at people and being impishly cheerful. Itchy has some problems.

Cocoashade: “They call him Itchy but he never scratches. That bothers me.“

The majestic Wookies. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Lumpy is playing with a wooden carving of an X-Wing and annoys his grampa, who’s carving another X-Wing. After the old monster snarls in Lumpy’s face, Malla calls Lumpy into the kitchen to help. Lumpy doesn’t want to, he wants to continue playing. Itchy convinces the lad to help his mother. Keep in mind all of this is conveyed by several minutes of exaggerated motions and disturbing Wookie sounds with no subtitles. That is how we get much of the plot.

After Lumpy takes out the trash and balances on the railing of the tree house, he goes back inside. Itchy produces a cassette tape for Lumpy and what ensues is a nightmarish vision of drug-fueled mayhem.

Cocoashade: “So in the year Whatever they have cassette tapes?“

Space YouTube. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The tape is some sort of odd space Cirque du Soleil. A bizarre green genie-looking apparition appears and dances around, playing a space flute.

Cocoashade: “That thing looks like the holographic chess board Chewie plays chess on. You know what this is? A multi-media cassette player and video game console.“

Yessss… juggle. Juggle like your little lives depend on it! (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The show continues with dancers, jugglers, and acrobats all while a manic lilting circus tune plays.

Cocoashade: “If I had seen this when I was three, I would have been totally impressed. But now I just find more joy in picking it all apart.“

Lumpy approves. I… think? (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Cocoashade: “AHHHHHHH!”

The show, sadly, ends and Lumpy has to get back to chores. Momma Malla makes him do the dishes while she wanders off to make a radio call. She uses her radio console but then opens a secret compartment to reveal another radio. (The secret Rebel phone?) Malla proceeds to make a call to none other than space hero and wizard in training Luke Skywalker!

Luke, you’re looking awfully pretty today. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Luke is in a workshop or something working on his X-Wing with R2-D2’s questionable assistance. R2 has a claw attachment for some reason. Luke is wearing heavy makeup and has lightened his hair.

Cocoashade: “Luke here just reminds me of all those YouTube makeup girls who are terrible at blending.“

Malla and Itchy hurl terrible groans and howls at Luke, who doesn’t understand a word of it. Itchy chases the excitable Lumpy away again. After the big space apes flail around for a bit Luke realizes that Chewie has not yet arrived. He’s concerned that they ran into some trouble, but tries his best to calm the upset Wookies. They have to sign off when smoke spurts from the engine part Luke had been working on. He blames R2.

Cocoashade: “I think R2 just wanted to end the call. He was just like fuck this noise, hang up!“

This is a high tech set up. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Malla again uses her high-tech radio, this time to call the local Wookie Trading Post. We learn this is Wookie Planet C. There are at least three planets in the Wookie Empire?

Cocoashade: “Is this the first Wii U?“

The award-winning Art Carney. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The trading post is run by fat human Art Carney. Actually his character’s name is Saun Dann, but you know. It’s really just Art being Art.

Cocoashade: “He looks like Grampa Solo. He’s got that vest and shirt thing goin’ on.“

Ad libbing… IN SPACE! (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

What follows is a lame and clearly ad-libbed comedy scene where every attempt at a joke falls flat. Saun attempts to pacify the Imperial trooper with silly doodads like a tiny fish aquarium and a high-tech self groomer. The Imperial has a ridiculous costume and a creepy dubbed evil-voice. We see them for several minutes before he realizes Malla is calling. He speaks in code, trying to be clever about letting her know Han and Chewie are still on their way. (“You’re wondering when that big shaggy carpet you ordered will arrive.“ “She did it by hand… solo.“) After this “clever” bit of subterfuge, Saun turns to assist the trooper. Malla apparently continues to watch their exchange for no good reason.

After this silly bit, we jump to Darth Vader for literally no purpose. He has a brief scene where he orders an underling to find the rebels by searching the houses of the Wookies. I can’t help but wonder how much James Earl Jones was paid for this gig. After this super brief and useless scene we cut to commercials before returning to the Wookies being all furry and shit.

Lumpy’s mom has got it goin’ on… (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

With her calls made, Malla sets about making the traditional Life Day feast.

Cocoashade: “Her fur is sticking out of the apron and it doesn’t cover anything. It’s serving no purpose.”

The introduction of fan favorite character Chef Gormaanda. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Malla puts on a cooking show to learn the best way to prepare “Bantha Surprise”. (Banthas are furry things with horns ridden by Sand People on Tatooine. They do not look appetizing at all.) This is a truly bizarre segment. Also I didn’t realize it until my third viewing, but Chef Gormaanda was played by character actor Harvey Korman in drag. He appears as three different characters in this special. Everyone in this show is hamming it the fuck up, but especially Harvey. He wins the ham award hands down.

Cocoashade: “Ohhh. Someone decided it was a good idea to put some black face into this special. Space black face. I know she’s supposed to be an alien but still.“

Harvey seems to ad-lib parts of this, saying things like “yummy yum on their tummy tum.” Chef Gormaanda is preparing a bantha loin, but also highly recommends the bantha rump. “Only you know the size of the bite of your family” she oozes encouragingly. As the sequence continues, she grows two additional arms, screeching “STIR AND WHIP AND STIR AND WHIP BEAT BEAT BEAT!“ and then sneezes.

Cocoashade: “They obviously did this all in one take. Her wig is a mess by the end. I still can’t believe they did this. Also was Futurama’s cook inspired by this? He had too many arms too.“

Note that at no time does Malla actually COOK the bantha loin. She just pours liquid on it and stirs a lot. That bantha loin is completely raw.

Attention Planet Kazook. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

After another thrilling stock footage battles, an Imperial officer pops up on Malla’s video screen to address the “Kazook planet”. How evil do you have to be to mispronounce the name of the planet you’re occupying? It just seems to be adding insult to injury.

Cocoashade: “I never knew Kashyyyk was spelled with three Ys. It doesn’t make sense to me, but it’s apparently canon, so I guess we’re stuck with it.“

The officer reports that due to suspected Rebel activity, no ships are allowed to land or take off. Oh no! How will Chewie visit now? It’s a Life Day tragedy!

A wild Art Carney attacks! (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Speaking of tragedy, at this moment we’re “blessed” with another appearance by our ad-libbing trader friend, who arrives with presents.

Cocoashade: “Art Carney is Space Santa!“

His name is Saun Dann.

Cocoashade: “SaunDann Claus!“

Haha. Yes. Anyway, Saun hands out presents to the Wookies, but it’s not clear if these are gifts or purchases they made. I’m assuming gifts. Lumpy runs off with his present. Then Saun coaxes a cheek kiss out of a reluctant Malla in exchange for her gift. It’s just as awkward as it sounds.

Itchy prepares to watch Space Porn. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

And what does Saun/Art have for Itchy? Well, as no one expected, he has brought the old coot a contraption that looks like a torture device but turns out to be a porn machine. You may think I’m joking, but I’m really not. He hints very strongly that this is something not entirely pure. Since this is family-friendly, they don’t make it clear this is porn, but it becomes pretty obvious once Itchy sits in the machine and eagerly fires it up. We are instantly faced with an alien woman wearing an odd wig flirting with the hairy monstrosity.

The award-winning Diahann Carroll. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The alien woman continually refers to herself as Itchy’s fantasy.

Cocoashade: “Itchy fantasizes about black chicks.“

Itchy’s fantasy is well underway. And we’re along for the ride. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

This character is named by Wookiepedia (a site I spend way too much time on since starting this blog) as Mermeia. I don’t know if this is true, so I will just refer to her as Fantasy Woman. F.W. continues to talk in a soothing tone in what I can only describe as space ASMR. She calls Itchy adorable and he keeps rewinding that part, gumming his nose with his underbite. She tells him that she is his fantasy and his pleasure for all eternity. Then she begins to sing an entire song. It goes on forever and it’s slow and dull. Don’t get me wrong, she’s talented, but the song is meaningless and plods along. The gist of it is that she wants this minute to last forever. It feels like it does. All with silly visual effects and kaleidoscopes playing around her. Multiple copies of her keep appearing and fading. It’s trippy and hypnotic. It was the finest special effects 1978 had to offer… and it shows.

Cocoashade: “This was our normal back then. This is totally something that would have turned up on the Muppet Show. Ah, variety shows!“

Just a reminder… he’s doing this in the living room. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

When the interminable song finally ends, Itchy comes to with a creepy satisfied expression on his twisted, nightmarish face. HAPPY LIFE DAY!

Oh look, it’s our old friends Princess Loofah and her butler See-through BO. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Next Malla is called by C-3PO on behalf of Princess Leia, who’s doing office work in the background. In this scene Leia comes across as incredibly rude and dismissive. When C-3PO mentions Malla is not having a happy Life Day, Leia’s response is “Well, I don’t want to tie up the line.“ She doesn’t give a shit. Clearly, no shits are given by this Princess. Malla continues to grumble and when C-3PO tries to interpret Leia brushes him off with a short “I think I understand.“ Then she asks for the only human in the treehouse to come to the phone so she doesn’t have to deal with the Wookies anymore. Is Leia… racist? I think she may be.

Cocoashade: “I think she’s just a space bitch. I don’t have time for Wookies. I’m trying to become a General.“

Leia refers to Chewie as their “leader” for some reason. Not father, or husband… leader. Oookay. Don’t get me wrong, I love Carrie Fisher. But everything about her appearance in this scene is off. I’m not sure she entirely read the script. I got the impression she was in a hurry to get out of there.

Chewie expressing rage… or fear… arousal maybe? Look, I have no idea what this is. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

After the call Saun asks for some “Wookie-ookies”, which I sincerely hope is just a cutesy name for cookies. He and Malla walk off with their arms around each other and it cuts to black, so we never find out for sure.

We jump out into space for some more space fighting. Finally the Empire has seemingly run out of stock footage TIE fighters.

Cocoashade: “I don’t know for certain, but I don’t think Han can control the guns from the cockpit. In the movies they were handling all that from the turret.“

Han says that they’re going to have to land on the “north side” and he knows it’s going to be a long walk. Um. North side? Of what? The planet?! That’s more than just a long walk. How are they even able to land with the Empire’s restrictions? It’s never answered. We’re just expected to go with it.

Now this expression is clear. Hunger. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Lumpy hears the sound of a ship landing and thinks it’s his Daddy coming home from work. He reacts with a maniacal look that I will see in my nightmares for years to come.

Cocoashade: “Was he the protoype for the Ewoks?“

For your Emmy consideration. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Nope, it’s not Chewie. Imperials have occupied the tree house. PLOT TWIST! An Imperial officer walks in and remains silent for a ridiculous amount of time and punctuates his every line with goofy gestures and snaps. Saun flusters about with more ad-libbed lines that were obviously meant to be hilarious but don’t quite get there. (I guess you could say they land on the “north side”.)

Cocoashade: “Ralph hit Norton hard enough to send him to the moon. Or Kashyyyk. No wait, wasn’t he trying to hit his wife? I don’t remember. Eh, you know what? The kids won’t get that joke so never mind.“

I don’t care, it’s fantastic and it’s staying in.

A Stormtrooper investigates the knickknacks. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The Stormtroopers wander around poking at things and touching the Wookie’s stuff like big jerks.

Cocoashade: “Why do the Stormtroopers need such bulbous codpieces? “

The famous “Daddy Scene”. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The helmet guy kneels down crotch-level to Malla and talks super creepily at a nervous Lumpy. “Where’s your Daddy?“ he breaths seductively. It’s horrible. It’s completely horrible.

Cocoashade: “Why the hell is that guy even there? Shouldn’t the black helmet guys stay on the ship? I mean, they work in the hanger right? They sent a mechanic down to threaten Wookies? Also, I really hate Spaceballs.”

Lumpy tries to bite the creep (because hello— stranger danger) and he threatens to hit the boy for disrespecting him. Malla understandably becomes upset with helmet guy and threatens to rips his arms off like Wookies often do. Saun has to intervene and defuse the situation.

Cocoashade: “I don’t want you to lose any readers but Spaceballs is really bad. Really bad.“

The intergalactic stars… Jefferson Starship. Now officially Star Wars characters. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Saun’s idea on how to distract the helmet guy is to play a holographic rock show for him using the gift he brought for Malla. When it fires up we get a glowing purple vision of none other than Jefferson Starship.

Cocoashade: “Jefferson Starship?! Why?“

They perform an entire song. This is apparently the sort of thing Malla is into.

Cocoashade: “Why? Just… why?“

Helmet guy likes it. A lot. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

When the number finally ends, the helmet guy reacts with uncharacteristic joy. Which is not the reaction anyone should have had to that sequence or Jefferson Starship in general. Art Carney finally leaves and the Imperials continue to be menacing.

Cocoshade: “You know, you can explain Maximum Overdrive with cocaine, but there is no explanation for this. None. George Lucas needed drugs, but I don’t think he got any. Not the right ones anyway.“

Was this the inspiration for The Clone Wars? (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television, Nelvana)

Lumpy sits down and watches a cartoon about his dad and his dad’s friends. Yeah… the rest of this special may be far-fetched and pushing the limits of believability… but how in God’s name would the Rebels, who are meant to be in hiding from the evil Galactic Empire… HAVE A CHILDREN’S CARTOON ABOUT THEIR ADVENTURES? This makes less than zero sense. This makes negative amounts of sense.

This lengthy sequence utilizes crude 70’s animation to tell the tale of the rebels encountering a space talisman. The characters are frequently off model and exaggerated, changing from scene to scene. At times they look incredibly silly but at other times are serious and carefully rendered. (It sort of reminds me of the animation style Plympton uses.)

Everyone is mostly in character, except for one notable instance. Although in every film Luke can fluently understand R2-D2 without problem, he suddenly needs C-3PO to interpret for the droid. “What is he saying?” asks Luke, somehow forgetting how to communicate with his best friend.

Cocoashade: “They just needed to give C-3PO a reason to be in this cartoon.“

Should we be seeing this? (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television, Nelvana)

They get a transmission from Chewie where they can see Han hanging upside down. For some reason C-3PO doesn’t bother interpreting for him here, so they have no idea why Chewie has gone crazy and kidnapped Han, stringing him up like a fresh bantha loin.

Luke, C-3PO, and R2 rush off to save Han and Chewie, crashing on the moon and promptly being attacked by a moon monster.

Cocoashade: “I’m sorry, but I love this. Love it!“

Was this the inspiration for The Mandalorian? (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television, Nelvana)

They are rescued from the alien creature by none other than the legendary Bounty Hunter Boba Fett. He’s slightly off-color, but otherwise pretty cool.

Cocoashade: “They even put the dent in his helmet!“‘

Boba Fett joins the team and they soon learn that the talisman infected Han with a “sleeping virus”. Which is why Han is upside down, I suppose. Luke is infected too. Boba Fett (unaffected due to his armor?) reveals that there is a cure for this sleeping virus and that cure is in “The City”.

Cocoashade: “I’m having trouble believing that Lucas created both Boba Fett and Jar Jar Binks. These two characters are two of his creations. I know lots of people think Boba Fett is overrated, but I think he’s cool.“

Same. It’s kind of become fashionable to knock on Fett, but he’s awesome and no one can change my mind. Chewie and Fett rush off to “The City”. While they’re searching, Boba Fett makes a long-distance call to Darth Vader. The droids intercept this call, learning the truth about their new friend.

Cocoashade: “I actually like this. For the time it’s pretty good. When we were kids we had things like Monchhichi but at night there was animation like Heavy Metal. More adult stuff. Honestly I think this is cool. I would have watched this if it had gotten a full series. And hopefully it would’ve been canon. Y’know, Smurfs by day, this shit by night.”

As a counterpoint to that gracious opinion, check out Han. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television, Nelvana)

With the cure procured and administered, Han and Luke awaken. Han is very uncanny valley. He looks like a caricature and doesn’t match the rest of the characters.

Cocoashade: “Why the hell does Han look like this? This is wrong.”

Luke thanks Boba Fett for being such a great and loyal friend and suggests he joins the rebellion. The droids reveal that he was making a call to Darth Vader and is actually evil. Boba Fett—the only one in the room who is armed— runs off, saying they will see him again. His plan was left unclear. He easily could have captured or killed the unarmed Rebels, but instead he just ran. He even revealed to them that there’s a cure for the Empire’s sleep virus weapon. What exactly did all that accomplish?

It’s hard to tell due to the film quality, but in the foreground is a bantha plushie. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The Stormtroopers toss Lumpy’s room for an unspecified reason. I guess they’re looking for Chewie, but it’s not fully explained. They’re just wrecking shit.

Cocoashade: “Look at the lousy bantha toy! Did he get that at Build-a-Piece-of-Shit?“

Considering that Malla was “cooking” bantha loin earlier, I guess the bantha doll would be the equivalent of a stuffed cow plushy or something? At any rate, the helmet guy must think that Chewie is hiding in the doll, because he promptly rips its head off. They then give up their search. The Imperial boss angrily orders Lumpy to go clean up his room, telling Malla that it will keep him busy for awhile. I guess that was their plan? To get the kid out of the way? He wasn’t even being disruptive. He was sitting calmly and watching fucking cartoons.

This looks sort of complicated. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Lumpy goes upstairs, discovering that his room has been trashed and his poor bantha is decapitated. He is very sad about this, tucking it into bed and mournfully howling. He recovers pretty quickly, however, remembering the present Saun brought him. Apparently it’s some sort of mini radio transmitter. We get to watch him assemble it and it’s just as exciting as it sounds. Lumpy pops in the direction disk and watches as Harvey Korman flails around and glitches like Max Headroom. I guess he’s a robot or something? I didn’t know they had Cylons in the Star Wars universe.

Cocoashade: “I love this part. It just makes me think of the 80’s. It makes me nostalgic.“

This expression? Deep shame. I’m getting good at this. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

This part is seriously odd and like all segments in this special, it goes on for far too long. If you listen to the instructions, they’re actually completely nonsensical, but Lumpy seems to understand them just fine. The boy continues to work on his toy through another commercial break.

Cocoashade: “Some day I hope Lucas gets a biography and it’s done in the style of this special. And I hope it’s written by Jar Jar.“

Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes. No seriously. That’s the name of this band. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

An Empire transmission plays and it’s mandatory propaganda. This is a really weak explanation for Bea Arthur’s segment… the film claims it is being presented to “reinforce their commitment” by showing the bad elements of the galaxy. How exactly? It makes no sense. But what does anymore? This is reality now. This is our reality.

The classic Cantina Theme from a New Hope plays and we find ourselves in a familiar location.

Cocoashade: *squeals in joy*

That’s right… we’re in the Tatooine Cantina! The same band is playing, and many of the same aliens from the original film appear. Here we meet two new characters, the bartender Ackmena, portrayed by Bea Arthur, and creepy stalker alien Krelman, played by Harvey Korman, in his third role in this special.

Krelmin enjoys a refreshing drink. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Cocoashade: “Well, Harvey Corman has a hole in his head.“

Krelman is madly in love with Ackmena, desperately trying to get her to notice him. He mistook her professional pleasentries as hints of affection. He has a hole in his head that he drinks from, six fingers, and everything he says oozes sleaze.

My new favorite character in all Star Wars lore… Ackmena the bartender. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Ackmena is fairly dismissive of Krelman, just wanting to sling her drinks in peace without being slobbered over. She runs an orderly cantina, having a friendly rapport with all the strange alien creatures.

Cocoashade: “The debate is ongoing on whether or not Space Bea Arthur is canon.“

She is. Her and Itchy are the only things that are canon from now on. I insist upon it.

Ackmena, learning that the Empire has put a curfew on Tatooine, has to shoo everyone out of the cantina. They don’t want to go, since they’re having too much space fun in the space bar. In order to convince them that the night is over, Ackmena serves everyone one last drink and begins to sing a rousing song to the loungified tune of the cantina theme. I guess the band only knows one song.

I love it. This is the best. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

I love this part of the special. It’s just so campy, and Bea Arthur knocks it out of the park like she always did when she sang on Golden Girls. Plus she dances with Walrusman and Greedo. What more could you want? (Of course Greedo is referred to as Ludlow, so I’m thinking this is after Greedo shot first and this is just a different Rodian.)

Cocoashade: “I think they just grabbed all the crap that fell on the floor while they were filming Star Wars and made a Christmas special out of it. It’s the only thing that makes sense.“

The aliens are all ushered out and Ackmena sadly turns back to her empty cantina. But it’s not empty. Behind the bar is Krelman, her creepy stalker, waiting patiently for her love. What a happy ending!

The face Lumpy makes seconds before witnessing a murder. (Again, I’m not kidding.) (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

After this uplifting musical number, Lumpy finally hatches his plan to lure the Imperials away with a false order using his transmitter. The Stormtrooper they left behind discovers this and chases poor Lumpy outside. At that moment Daddy Chewie finally arrives to save the day! Before long the poor Stormtrooper is dead. So very dead.

Cocoashade: “Is that one of the tenants of Life Day? You have to take a life to have a life?”

“Oh shit. Look, Lumpy, I was never here.” (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Han Solo sneaks up and frightens the Stormtrooper, causing him to fall to his death through the rickety railing of the treehouse. Rickety railing that, by the way, tubby Lumpy was balancing on just fine without breaking it earlier. Did he weaken the structure of the railing and inadvertently cause the Stormtrooper’s death? Yes. Absolutely yes.

Cocoashade: “And now they have a dead Stormtrooper on the lawn.“

RIP poor Officer B-4711. We hardly knew ye.

Malla making bedroom eyes at Chewie. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

After this heartwarming holiday murder, Chewbacca finally reunites with his beloved family that he spends all his time avoiding. Han greets them with the tender words: “You’re like family to me. Goodbye.“ And then he rushes off.

Cocoashade: “They need to make a Solo Part 2 and include Chewie’s family. That would make everything right.“

Why did they never make an action figure of Saun Dann? (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

After more Wookie grumbling, our old friend Art Carney returns for more “hilarity”.

Cocoashade: “You know, I’m starting to think that maybe it was a good thing my parents spared me from this after all.“

The Imperials are looking for the dead Stormtrooper but Saun deftly misdirects them by saying the Trooper robbed them blind and “took off for the hills”. The officer, believing this unbelievable man instantly, states they’re sending a search party. (To the hills, I guess.) Saun wishes them all a happy Life Day once again and finally FINALLY leaves for good. It’s time for Life Day to truly begin.

Cocoashade: “Are they just gonna leave that dead Stormtrooper out there?“

I’m sure the neighbors are not pleased.

And here are the eggs. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Now that no humans are around, the Wookies can finally begin their unholy ritual. They each hold up a glowing egg-like talisman and then suddenly and magically have robes on.

Is this how Scientology works? (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Cocoashade: “Are they about to sing?“

The eggs, the robes… this is all starting to seem less like a sacred tradition and more like a Wookie cult.

Cocoashade: *singing* “I’m just a Wookie, nobody loves me!“

This is all perfectly normal. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The robed Wookies wander off into space and join a line of other robed Wookies as they walk straight into the sun.

Cocoashade: “Wow.”

The Wookie cult finds themselves in a foggy clearing surrounding what I assume to be a tree. R2-D2 and C-3PO are there for no reason they bother to explain. Before long Luke, Leia, and Han come wandering up too. Han doesn’t bother to explain why he had to leave only to come back minutes later.

A princess singing? What is this, Disney? Oh wait… (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

Leia lectures the Wookies on what Life Day is all about. Something to do with courage and joy and fighting evil. After spouting some unexplained nonsense about the “promise of the Tree of Life” that was not mentioned before now, Princess Leia bursts into unexpected song.

Cocoashade: “I think… I think that’s the Star Wars theme.”

The song makes about as much sense as everything else in this show, going on far too long and not really meaning anything of substance.

Cocoashade: “I really think they put words to the Star Wars theme. Am I crazy?“

Leia rambles on for awhile, seeming to forget what she was even talking about. Finally the song ends.

Cocoashade: “They just made her sing because her mom was a singer.“

The Wookie Cult prepares the space Koolaid. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The song ends and the Wookies stand around awkwardly. They revel in the togetherness and whatever of Life Day.

STARE. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The award fanfare from the end of A New Hope plays as Chewbacca has unexplained flashbacks to scenes from the movie with a blue tinge around them. The scenes have no connection to each other and tell no coherent story. Also, all of them show Chewbacca as though he is watching himself from outside his own body, because that’s how memories work. As the scenes play, Chewie stares off into space blankly.

Cocoashade: *just laughs for like a minute straight*

Awwww. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

After that strange trip into space for some princess singing and the final commercial break, Chewie and the fam are back in the ol’ tree fort, without the robes or glowing space eggs. Father and son share a touching blank stare into each other’s eyes, their expressions impossible to decipher.

Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television)

The Chewbacca clan sits down to enjoy Malla’s delicious bantha loin. Hopefully she remembered to cook it at some point. Credit roll!

Cocoashade: “And now they’re all going to have some space eggnog.“

Blue eggnog. Made from blue space milk and the egg of the Mudhorn.

Cocoashade: “So do we actually know anything about Life Day after all that? Like has someone filled this in and created the traditions or anything? Fans have come up with Klingon traditions and ceremonies. What about Life Day?“

Life Day is Wookie Space Christmas. That’s about all I got out of it.

I think this is alien for The End. If not, it’s a horrible insult. Either way, it’s over! (Credit: 20th Century Fox Television, Nelvana)

And so there you have it. The Star Wars Holiday Special. A bizarre and unforgettable creation that is both Star Wars and not Star Wars, both holiday-themed and having very little to do with holidays. An embarrassing regret to some, and an entertaining joy to others. This is the second time that we have watched this and I plan to make it a new annual tradition. (And actually I watched it four times this year in the making of this post… my brain hurts. I now live and breathe Life Day. I AM LIFE DAY INCARNATE!)

So what did I think? I fully enjoyed it. The baked-in camp and confusion of this mess of a special was just heightened and made better by the always fantastic jokes by the fine gentlemen at Rifftrax. (I don’t think I would have enjoyed it quite as much without their great observations and on-point humor.) The variety show format, while clumsy, worked for this… it brought lots of different styles and segments, keeping it fresh. The special was poorly written, poorly conceived, staggeringly odd and at times, utterly bizarre… but never boring. Somehow everything meshed to make it all work in a way I can’t fully understand. I enjoyed the hell out of this special and honestly plan to watch it every single year for the rest of my life as Life Day rolls around. This tradition will help to get myself into the true Wookie spirit of the interstellar holiday. What is Life Day, after all, without this special playing on repeat? And robes. And eggs. Also lots of singing.

Cocoashade: “I love the Rifftrax version of the holiday special. As much as I love Star Wars, I can’t stomach too much of when it’s bad. It took me from 1999 to 2014 to watch the prequels with an open mind. We don’t mention the name of a certain Gungan in this house. I do appreciate this Star Wars gem. I know as a three year old I would have loved it. Because Chewie, Leia, cartoon, Millennium Falcon all flash on the screen. And for an hour and a half it was a sloppy advertisement with a Star Wars toy commercial at the end. It was horrible, but by today’s standards… it’s geek gold.”

Thank you all for reading my (and Cocoa’s) review and recap of The Star Wars Holiday Special. I hope you all have learned a little something about Life Day and remember to keep your loved ones in your hearts for this most sacred of all Wookie holidays. And something about the Tree of Life. I’ll be back soon with another holiday-themed post. Until then, please remember the true meaning of Life Day. Which is… I dunno, something to do with Wookies and Bea Arthur.

Cocoashade: “Oh shit I need to go check on my bantha loin. Happy Life Day everyone!“