033: SoraRabbit Does a Christmas Special - Alien Edition

Is there anything more wholesome than a Christmas special? Traditionally, Christmas specials take a very commercial, capitalistic (not to mention stressful and financially taxing) holiday and strip away all that nonsense to drill down to the essence of what the season is all about… family, generosity, togetherness, warmth, selflessness, and comfort. Christmas specials are carefully designed to be comforting and soothing, annual treats to be shared with those you love, meant to uplift you and bring you into the spirit of giving and community.

But what if… what if, for some dark and sinister reason, the time-honored tradition of the Christmas special were to be inverted? Warped and twisted into something dark and depressing? What if, instead of love and giving you find yourself faced with selfishness, insensitivity, and unfiltered annoyance? What if all the light uplifting moments were replaced with dark and dismal themes designed to bring you down?

Well, my friend, if someone were to do this terrible thing (and they have… oh yes, they have) they would most assuredly birth something misguided and cursed. We’re here today to talk about just such a cursed abomination. An abomination known as ALF’s Special Christmas. Ready yourselves… this is gonna be a rough one.

ALF pretending to be an inanimate object. Oh wait… (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

ALF was a sitcom that ran for four seasons from 1986 to 1990. The premise of the series is that a 285 year old alien crash landed on the garage of a suburban American family, the Tanners, and quickly becomes a part of the family. The family consisted of dad Willie, mom Kate, the kids Lynn and Brian, and their cat Lucky. Later on baby Eric and Lucky II joined the mix. The alien had come from a destroyed world named Melmac. His real name was Gordon Shumway but for some reason the Tanners didn’t bother asking his name and instead called him ALF, which stands for Alien Life Form. (Kind of presumptuous of them to assume he needed to be named.) ALF was brash, sarcastic, and generally caustic. He also liked to eat cats, something that didn’t sit well with the Tanners. They decided to keep him hidden to prevent the Alien Task Force from finding and experimenting on him. ALF however, was really bad at staying hidden. Hilarity ensued.

ALF ran for 99 episodes (102 in syndication— hour-long episodes were split up). The sudden and unexpected cancellation of the show caused the series to end with a harsh and jarring cliffhanger implying a sad fate for the alien as the Alien Task Force finally catches up with him moments before he leaves the planet. This cliffhanger was not resolved for five years until Project ALF aired, a TV movie that served as a posthumous series finale. (Fans were not happy with Project ALF. The Tanners did not return for this movie, a fact that contributed to the poor reaction. It also was not very good.) In addition to the main series, ALF had two animated series that between them ended up with 4 seasons and 47 episodes. He also had a short-lived talk show that only ran for 7 episodes. Most surprisingly, Marvel printed a long-running comic series that ended its run on issue 50. (Plus six double-sized special issues.)

Remember ALF? He’s back, in comic form! (Credit: Marvel Comics. Art: Dave Manak.)

I was a huge fan of ALF as a kid, eagerly tuning in to watch every episode. I also got every issue of the comic book. The comic was surprisingly good— pun-heavy and creative, reveling in its silliness. I always had such fond memories of ALF and growing up watching the show. So a few years back when I discovered two-packs of the complete season DVDs for a drastically discounted price, I jumped at the chance to relive my childhood. In a fit of nostalgia I watched through the entire series again, watching a few episodes a night until I got through it all.

Bluntly speaking, I was disappointed. Watching the show again as an adult, I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much. (It did get better near the end. Isn’t that always the way?) ALF was a product of its time and it didn’t entirely age well. Some of the jokes were lame, the acting bland, ALF himself too grating to be lovable much of the time. My jaded adult eyes identified the once beloved alien as an arrogant catchphrase machine with zero self-awareness. (I often found myself rooting for Willie to kick him out.) It was not all bad— there were funny jokes, touching moments, and the puppet himself is certainly well-crafted. ALF as a character is weirdly aesthetically adorable. And I’ve always liked his voice. But to be entirely honest, the show was a trial to get through. I can now see why the DVDs were so cheap. I kind of wish I had left ALF in the realm of nostalgia.

This post is an attempt to make something good come of the experience. On this rewatch I came across the second season double-length Christmas special, one I only vaguely recalled from my childhood. Rewatching it as an adult I was stunned. I didn’t remember it being so dark, so unfunny, so painful. The reviews online range from extra crispy snark to original recipe gracious. I hope to fall somewhere in between. (Extra original? Maaaybe.)

A year ago, when I was brainstorming holiday-themed content, ALF’s Christmas special was the second thing to come to mind. The first one that came to mind, of course, was A Wish for Wings that Work, which I wrote about last year. If you’re expecting a post as cute and heartwarming as that one, you’re about to be disappointed. So, so disappointed. Because this year I’m subjecting you to one of the most grim, most depressing Christmas specials ever conceived. I’m going to go through the episode, commenting on the plot points and the series in general. The screenshots are grainy and low-def. Like the 80s themselves.

Okay, you’re as prepared as you’re going to be. Let us embark on ALF’s Special Christmas!.

Time for light-hearted hilarity. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

The show starts with a slow car drive over the opening credits that brings to mind the classic cult film Manos: The Hands of Fate. ALF is annoyingly singing a version of the 12 Days of Christmas, but with his own skewed lyrics that all involve cat eating. (Frying, boiling, baking, etc.) Willie, as always, is annoyed. In fact, the whole family is annoyed, ordering ALF to cease his song. “Enough already!” they cry. The weird part is that ALF is on day 82 of the song, and this is where— presumably several hours into the concert— the family decided they’ve finally had enough. (I don’t want to even try to math that out, just consider that the original takes about 4 minutes and each addition to that would multiply the length exponentially.)

Sometimes it’s better to not think about the jokes too hard. Reality begins to unravel.

Anyway, ALF reveals that the Tanner family is heading for a cabin out in the woods without running water or electricity. (Ah, awkward exposition. A staple of the 80’s.) ALF is complaining nonstop, being a little bitch about the whole thing. The alien proceeds to complain about every aspect of the holiday vacation to the subtle punctuation of a laugh track. Note that ALF was never the nicest alien, but for the first half of this episode, all his bad qualities are dialed up to 11. It was jarring, even during my rewatch of the series.

As soon as they arrive they leave the disobedient alien unattended so they can check out the cabin. ALF promptly gets stuck in the outhouse. (Cue laughter.)

How much you wanna bet ALF ends up in that box before the holiday is over? (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Willie unpacks the car with ALF’s enthusiastic non-help. He learns that ALF has packed the color TV. (I love how the 80s had to specify color TV. Are there even black and white TVs being sold these days? Heck, I probably watched this episode for the first time on my trusty old 10-inch black and white TV.) He also brought the microwave. Willie— in his usual impatient, boiling rage way—explains to ALF that there is no electricity and these devices need electricity to work.

Not understanding how human things work was a running bit that they milked whenever possible on this show. This centuries-old alien who came from a technologically advanced society that had mastered space travel… an alien who also regularly visited other worlds… could not seem to grasp the most simple of Earth traditions or technology. Or social niceties. Or usually the most basic concepts of tact and compassion. And no matter how long he’s on Earth, it doesn’t get better. He learns no lessons. To be completely blunt, ALF is an alien sociopath with no interest in self improvement and it’s played for comedy.

There. I just summed up the entire series in one sentence. Damn, I’m good.

The Tanners, roughing it. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

After unpacking, the family hangs out in the cabin. Willie is excited and the rest of the family are less enthused. Willie continues to relive his childhood, attempting to convince his family that everything about this experience is great. Note that they have once again left the alien unsupervised. I’m sure that won’t come back to haunt them.

Willie explains that when he was a kid his dad lost his job and the house. Mr. Foley— the owner of the cabin and an old family friend— let them stay in the cabin for as long as they needed. They spent the best Christmas there. They had no presents and little food, but it was the best Christmas of Willie’s life because they were together. When they learned that Margaret, Mr. Foley’s wife, was ill and he wouldn’t be using the cabin this Christmas, they decided to take him up on his offer to spend Christmas there. (Foreshadowing you can see a mile away— another staple of the 80s.)

Oh ALF, you rascal. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Cue unwelcome alien interference! ALF comes in like a hurricane, wielding a plant and bellowing “Deck the dump with boughs of holly!“ The family grins like goons at this typical behavior. The family only has two reactions when it comes to ALF’s antics. blustery annoyance or manic grinning. Fake laughter is optional.

The Tanners are pretty one-dimensional and stereotypical as characters. Willie is the well-meaning dad with a temper. (His actor Max Wright has a very unique acting style. He uses a bizarre cadence and puts emphasis on words seemingly at random.) He is the long-suffering and underappreciated bread-winner. Lynn is pretty much a non-character, just existing to be the typical sassy teenage girl. She listens to rock music, shops at the mall, dates boys, and talks on the phone. You know, girl stuff. Brian is the “cute kid”. Really he’s kind of annoying and a terrible over-actor. Kate is the traditional old-fashioned mom. She is usually doing “mom stuff”. She is seen in the kitchen cooking, cleaning the house, or sewing. The above two screenshots show her range.

See? Manic grin. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Willie promptly takes the plant that ALF (who knows nothing about anything) claims is holly. (I thought holly had berries. Or is that mistletoe? Eh, I guess I don’t know anything either. Oh well.) You may notice that ALF is wearing a sweater. This is unusual, because usually he’s completely naked.

Actually, side topic time. Have you ever thought about that? ALF walks around the family naked most of the time. The only times he ever wore clothes was if the plot dictated. Like if he was trying to be in disguise or if there was a joke about whatever he was wearing. In the cartoon you learn that Melmacians wore clothes like humans. (Shirts at least.) But when he came to Earth he just decided to be a nudist I guess. It’s never commented on. If I was writing the show, somewhere in the fourth season I would have had ALF say something like “Yeah, I’m naked. Did you guys seriously not notice? Did you think my fur counted as clothes? I just wanted to see if you’d say anything.“ Now that’s humor.

Christmas is ruint. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Kate finally realizes that ALF is wearing the sweater she got Willie for Christmas. It turns out ALF had gone through all the presents. He spoils the surprises for everyone and had also changed the tags so that everything was from him. ALF clearly doesn’t understand anything about Christmas. Hey, because he’s an alien, right? Well, keep in mind that this episode was a part of Season Two. So ALF has been with the Tanners for a Christmas already by this point. And actually episode 12 of Season One was a Christmas episode. In that episode ALF bought all their Christmas presents mail order from a hardware catalog. (Using Willie’s credit card if I recall.) So a year before this he seemingly had a grasp on the holiday. This just serves to underline my earlier comments about ALF never learning anything.

Oh, poor ALF. Suffering the consequences of his actions. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Willie proceeds to bellow at ALF, still playing with the “holly”, even rubbing it on his face. Brian realizes it’s actually poison oak. Willie lays into the insensitive alien more, berating him for not understanding that Christmas is about more than opening presents and that he needs to have consideration for the rest of them. It’s actually pretty tame, but the soft-hearted alien is hurt.

Willie gently loses it. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Willie sends ALF away to dump the poison oak in the woods and to not hurry back.

Convenient boulder. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Of course he actually drops it about five feet away. As he’s standing behind the handy puppeteer-hiding boulder, a truck pulls up. It’s the mysterious Mr. George Foley, coming to check in on the family.

Mr. Foley arrives. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Mr. Foley has come to wish them a Merry Christmas and drop off an envelope that they are not supposed to open until Christmas, which is the following day. Willie explains that Mr. Foley repairs discarded toys and every year hands them out to the children in the hospital. Foley corrects him, saying that he just repairs them and gives them to Santa to hand out.

SUBTLE PEEK. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

ALF overhears the bit about the toys and gets excited. Seriously, though, ALF can’t just peek around a corner or through the gap in the door. He has to thrust his entire head into the room and mutter to himself. How does no one see him?

This is the look of an alien who’s about to wreck all the shit. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

ALF plays with the toys in the truck. His plan is to steal them to make up to the Tanners for his earlier mistakes. (Ah, alien logic.) He thinks a football is a model spaceship and a skateboard is a rolling cat platter. Although I’m sure he’s seen both before.

When Kate asks about his wife, Foley rushes off. Before he drives away he reveals that Margaret actually died two weeks ago. (Merry Christmas y’all!) Mr. Foley is subdued and doesn’t want to discuss what happened. (Are you starting to see where this is heading? Just wait.) Anyway, ALF is trapped in the back of the truck, off to begin his next wacky adventure!

HO HO H-OHHH dear god. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

We find ourselves in the hospital as Mr. Foley, dressed as Santa, is preparing to hand out toys to the sick children. ALF is posing as a doll, which Foley thinks is an anteater. He can’t remember bringing the grotesque doll but doesn’t seem overly concerned by this fact.

“I think she’s beautiful.” -Tiffany, 1987. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Foley Santa hands out the toys, showing what a kindly old man he is. This is where we meet young Tiffany, who instantly falls in love with the ALF doll, declaring that “She’s beautiful!”

Aww. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Foley Santa carries ALF into Tiffany’s room. She’s sad that she has nothing to give to him in return. He tells her that’s fine. Christmas is about giving of yourself, not what you can give. And saying thank you is the most wonderful gift.

FOLD. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Tiffany names her new sentient doll Amanda. Tiffany explains to Amanda that she’s 8, something that she imagines the doll and her have in common. ALF makes faces whenever the girl turns away. After some wacky hospital bed humor (you know the kind I mean— beds that fold up in an unrealistic way that could greatly injure a patient) a nurse comes in to take the girl’s temperature. Tiffany makes the nurse take Amanda’s temperature too. The nurse uses an ink pen because, you know, 8 year-olds are too dumb to know the difference between a thermometer and pen.

Sigh. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Whatever the nurse sees on that real thermometer makes her look very grim. (Must be a really bad temperature?) She tucks Tiffany in and leaves. ALF starts to realize something’s up… you can see it in his beady little marbles. After they’re alone, Tiffany proceeds to play tea party with her new best friend. (ALF eating cookies when she turns away.) We learn that Tiffany is very lonely and isolated. There used to be another girl in the room but that girl’s parents made her switch rooms so she wouldn’t get depressed when… Tiffany trails off.

She puts a ribbon on Amanda/ALF but the alien draws the line on earrings. He reveals himself to the girl without hesitation (just to avoid accessorizing?) explaining that he’s actually a male alien. Alien Sighting #1. (Well, actually more like 30, but everyone else thought he was a doll.) Remember that ALF is supposed to be a secret from everyone except the Tanners. Note that by this point in the show only about 6 people know about ALF’s true identity. (Seven if you count Mrs. Ochmonek, the nosey neighbor. But she thinks ALF is in space, not right next door.) So for no real reason ALF comes clean with the girl without thinking through the consequences even though the major rule of his life on Earth is that NO ONE knows about him. More on this aspect of the episode later.

Rather than being traumatized for life, Tiffany is thrilled that her doll is alive and eating all her cookies. ALF begs her to not tell anyone he’s not a toy. He’s in danger and needs to get home. Tiffany doesn’t want to give him up. He’s hers! ALF explains his life story to her during a cut scene and we jump to Tiffany giving him back.

Mr. Santa Foley has a return policy. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

She decides to trade ALF for a generic teddy bear. She tells Santa Foley that she’s bored with Amanda and likes the bear more. Next year he can give Amanda to a less fussy little girl. (Next year… right.)

I’m sure he won’t open it early. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Santa Foley goes on to meet with Dr. Willoughby and gives him an envelope. (Again, don’t open until tomorrow!) It’s a donation for the hospital. “It’s not much” insists Foley. Also “don’t bother” with the receipt.

Doc Willoughby says that all Tiffany wanted was to see Santa for Christmas. One of the kids claimed Santa wasn’t real. We’re then subjected to a lengthy passage from “Yes Virginia There Is a Santa Claus”. With sappy, heartwarming music playing.

Santa Foley suddenly realizes that Tiffany isn’t just sick. She’s terminal. Doc says he can’t do anything for her. The alien formerly known as ALF is aghast.

ALF learns his new friend is about to die. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

That’s right y’all. This heartwarming Christmas special features a terminally ill 8 year-old child facing her own mortality alone! Merry Christmas!

I’m sure this is helping his mood. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

“What are you supposed to say to a little girl who’s not going to see another Christmas?“ Doc Willoughby asks the obviously depressed old man who’s just lost his wife.

ALF shows sorrow— an expression usually shown by the alien hanging his head and closing his eyes, usually with downturned ears. For all his brash thoughtlessness, he does have a heart.

Tiffany and ALF critique art. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

We cut back to Tiffany drawing a picture. ALF rushes into her room. (Did he just get up and wander off in front of the two men that were a couple feet away from him? And wasn’t Foley leaving? This doesn’t make sense. Maybe Foley went into the bathroom to cry? You know what… it’s better left unexplained.) ALF came back to see Tiffany. He can’t bring himself to mention her impending death, so instead they discuss the drawing she made of the two of them. Unfortunately we’re not allowed to see it, but ALF asks where his nose is. “I didn’t have enough room on the page,“ Tiffany tells him. (WAHWAH.)

ALF points out that she has wings in the drawing. Then to mask his sorrow he makes a joke asking if she’s from the planet Bungaraya. Not even the laugh track reacts much to that.

This brings me to one of my big complaints about this special. They are clearly trying for heartwarming here. They’re tugging at the heartstrings, making you care about these tragic characters and feel all the emotions. But then they didn’t have the balls to go all in. They sprinkle ALF’s usual hackneyed comedy throughout, creating a kind of emotional rollercoaster that leaves the viewer disoriented. It’s like MASH, but not good. Don’t misunderstand me here, I like MASH. I have very fond memories of watching MASH with my dad. But you’ve gotta admit it was an odd concept all around. A stream of jokes interlaid with the stark horrors of war. Death and laughter. War, but with lolz. Probably not something that could happen nowadays.) But I digress. (When I get merch, that should probably be my first tee shirt. I digress all the damn time because I’m always getting distracted.)

In a genuinely touching moment, ALF interrupts the dying girl’s fumbling explanation of her wings to say, “They’re beautiful.” She asks if he ever misses Melmac. Delving into sad territory but attempting to remain positive, he admits he misses his friends, but he’s made friends on Earth too. Including her. He also admits he doesn’t get Christmas. Tiffany relays Santa Foley’s message about Christmas being about giving of yourself. ALF says he gets that now that he’s met her. (Aww. See, he has his moments. Pity he’s such a little shit most of the time.)

“Say, where is that destructive parasite who mooches off us and makes our lives hell?” (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

We check in with the Tanners. Night has fallen and Willie has opened Foley’s gift “accidentally“. It’s the deed to the cabin. They discuss how they couldn’t possibly accept such a generous gift. “Has anyone seen ALF?” Brian suddenly asks. The family is genuinely shocked, realizing that their lives have been peacefully alien-free for about six hours at this point. All right, I have a fantastic ability to suspend disbelief. I believe in the importance of fiction and the laws that hold up fictional worlds. Sometimes you have to allow for a little wiggle room to make those fictional laws work. But in my opinion this cannot track. The idea that the Tanners have gone this long without wondering where ALF was and what he was destroying? Nope. That stretches the limits of believability beyond even my capacity. This is straight up bad plotting. This scene should have occurred as soon as Foley drove away with ALF in the back of his truck.

Seriously though, ALF is a freaking tornado of destruction and aggravation. We’ve already established that he can’t (and shouldn’t) be left alone. If I was Willie, I would get nervous if I hadn’t seen ALF in ten minutes, let alone several hours. It’s impossible to me that they could go from afternoon to evening without once noticing his absence. Ridiculous.

Don’t worry, she’s just sleeping. (What? Too soon?) (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Back in the hospital of sorrows, ALF tucks Tiffany into bed. She reveals to him that she’s going to have to move on to another world soon and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. She knows she’s not supposed to be scared, but she is. ALF tells her it’s okay to be scared. Maybe, Tiffany theorizes, in the next world she’ll have friends. And it’ll be Christmas all year ‘round. And everyone will be like ALF. “There’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. HA!“ ALF jokes. Tiffany tells ALF she loves him and he says it back, grimly. Then she closes her eyes.

ALF having a moment of empathy. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

ALF walks away and looks back with a tear in his eye. (Oof.)

ALF is so good at hiding. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Meanwhile the Tanners are in the woods searching for ALF. They wonder if he was caught in a trap or shot by a hunter. Nope. He’s running around the hospital. We get a rare scene of ALF running. (They had a suit and an actor for the times when his full body had to be shown moving. It was typically shown in dim lighting or from a distance because the suit was a bit off model and moved differently from the puppet.)

And now we get the comic relief! An expecting couple— Denise and Richard— arrive at the hospital and we’re treated to that old gag (a tired joke even in 1987) about the husband being so frazzled and focused on the birth that he forgets his wife. (Sigh.) The over-prepared Richard is being annoying, the doctor dismissive. ALF is hiding in the gurney and in a shocking twist of fate that NO ONE could have seen coming, the pregnant mother and ALF are alone in the elevator together when the door prematurely shuts, instantly trapping them inside. That’s right, remember this is 80’s television, so a woman HAS to give birth in an unexpected place! (I can’t even venture to guess how many elevator births I’ve witnessed. If I have learned anything from television, it’s keep your pregnant mothers on the first floor at all times.)

They call Santa Foley to fix the elevator since I guess he’s also a handyman? He arrives, still acting subdued and depressed. (If anything, worse than before.)

My reaction too, lady. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

ALF immediately reveals himself to the woman as Dr. Gordon Shumway and volunteers to help her deliver the baby despite knowing nothing about childbirth. (Alien Sighting #2.) She screams several times before calming down and just going with it. We get this “fun” exchange: ALF: “Just one question. Where do babies come from?“ Denise: “You’re a doctor, how do you not know where babies come from?” ALF: “I’m not married.“ (Ugh. God awful joke.)

ALF was wearing masks wrong long before 2020. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

After cutting back to the others desperately trying to fix the elevator, we return to find that ALF has somehow magically produced a book called “Having Babies”. Is that… the doctors book? It doesn’t belong to Richard and Denise… their bags are in the hallway. Richard was digging around in them and that’s how he got stuck outside the elevator. No, this book has no reason to be in the elevator. It had to have been in the gurney. Maybe the doctor really isn’t good at this and needs to look things up? And for that matter, did they really keep extra scrubs and a mask in the gurney too? Whatever… moving on before reality unravels more.

And then in the cuts between the hallway and the elevator, the baby is suddenly born, cleaned, and in Denise’s arms while ALF is still standing exactly where we left him. (Kind of skipped a few steps there.) His scrubs are spotless. I’m pretty sure the umbilical cord is still attached. (If it’s not, I’d rather not think about the implications.) ALF is unphased by the horrifying miracle of childbirth. Oookay.

This completely pointless segment of the episode ends with ALF suggesting she name the baby Tiffany and Denise agreeing. (He first suggested Gordon, but she thought that would be an odd name for a girl.) He also references Foley’s thank you line from earlier. Aside from these two moments that tie it back to the rest of the episode, this whole side quest was useless and impacts nothing. It only served to fill seven minutes of the episode’s runtime. (And isn’t that the greatest gift of all? Acting as filler?)

And now for the next dark turn. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

With no transition, ALF is back on Foley’s cart. (I am absolutely certain Foley had to have noticed the doll was missing for a large chunk of the evening.) The now suit-less Foley grimly marches towards his fate. (Sound ominous? It was meant to.) Their escape is interrupted by Dr. Willoughby, who also opened his envelope early. (Can no one wait until Christmastime? Yeesh.)

Side note though before I continue on something I didn’t think about until I was writing this. Dr. Willoughby is the attending physician. He was all prepped and ready to deliver Denise’s baby. What exactly did he think when she informed him that the grotesquely deformed little doctor delivered it in the elevator? We will never know, because the good doctor make no mention of this incredibly odd occurrence that happened moments ago in his hospital. Did he assume Denise was hallucinating? (Denise had refused all drugs.) Or is he used to people breaking into the hospital to do his job and then wandering off? PLOT HOLE.

Anyway, back to the envelope. Doc says he can’t accept the donation since it’s obviously Foley’s entire life savings. He asks Foley to come talk to him the day after tomorrow. Foley mutters that he’s got other plans and the Doc mentions he’s concerned about what Foley might do and yes if you haven’t guessed the kindly big-hearted old man is totally planning to off himself on Christmas Eve oh my god what is wrong with this show?!?

That’s right folks, this heartwarming Christmas special is not just about dying children, it’s also about suicidal depression after losing the love of your life. I don’t know about you, but I’m totally in the Christmas spirit now.

Santa ALF hides in the back of a truck as dark as our moods right now. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

We cut back briefly to the Tanners who are still sad about the missing ALF. Speaking of ALF, he is back in Foley’s truck and he’s put on the man’s Santa suit for no reason. It fits him perfectly despite being designed for a full grown man and not a three foot tall alien. This scene stretches out for awhile with Christmas music playing and Foley looking out the windshield with eyes that clearly show his inner torment.

Mr. Foley decides to end it all. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Foley stops on an icy bridge and starts to climb onto the railing. (This scene is shot very well. It’s quiet, desolate. The mood is on point.)

Aliens don’t exist, but Santa? Sure. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

ALF reveals himself suddenly and loudly in a move that easily could have startled the old man right over the edge. (Yep. Alien Sighting #3.) Foley recognizes him as the ugly toy but ALF tells him he’s an alien. Foley argues that he must be a figment of his imagination, but then quickly 180s and decides that even though he couldn’t possibly be an alien, he must be Santa Claus. (Again I say, oookay…) But shouldn’t Santa be delivering toys right now? ALF goes with it without missing a beat, saying that he can’t do it all. He has to delegate responsibility to good people. People like George Foley. He’s a good man, letting the Tanners use his cabin, delivering toys, making a dying girl smile, all that stuff. Santa ALF empathizes with him for his loss, but says he’s still needed and can’t leave everyone behind. He throws Foley’s own words back at him: Christmas is not about what you can get, but what you can give.

And just like that, with a brief speech from a small furry Santa, George Foley’s crippling suicidal depression is cured! It’s a Christmas miracle!

They return to the truck and Foley drives Santa ALF back to the cabin. (So he can recruit Willie to be a helper too.) Foley says that he wants to see how Santa goes down chimneys, but then doesn’t actually stick around to watch.

HO HO… oh wait, I did that one already. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

ALF can’t go in the front door of course, even though Foley is long gone. No, there’s only one option for ol’ Santa ALF.

I love this picture. From left to right: Bewildered, shocked, mildly horrified, looking in the wrong damn place. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

The family hears sounds on the roof. ALF pops his head out of the chimney wackily. Pause for laughter. And… scene.

The Tanners meet ALF’s friend. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

The next day Foley (all cheerful and full of life again now that his depression has been cured) is fixing things in Tiffany’s room, enlisting her help. The Tanners come by to deliver presents. Willie politely turns down the gift of the cabin and Foley says they can use it next Christmas. The Tanners let Tiffany know they have “a mutual friend” and show her a photo of ALF.

This brings me to perhaps the most depressing question this episode refused to even think about answering: where the hell are Tiffany’s parents? Does she have parents? She wasn’t referred to as an orphan, and with how depressing this episode was, I am absolutely certain they would have played the orphan card to make it just that much worse. Maybe they decided making her an orphan was a little too far? Personally, I disagree. What’s too far is the unspoken implication that Tiffany’s parents are too busy enjoying their holiday to be with her at the hospital and make sure their daughter doesn’t fall in with aliens and suicidal Santas. They go out of their way to show Tiffany’s loneliness and isolation. At no point do they mention her parents, why they aren’t there, and if they exist at all. Ugh, this show.

ALF waves goodbye. Lord, this is dark. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Tiffany goes to the window for one last surprise. ALF is in the car down below, waving at her. (And probably being seen by any number of people wandering about in the parking lot or looking out of the windows of the hospital.)

What a cheerful ending. It couldn’t possibly get worse... (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Voiceover Foley recites the Yes Virginia passage again as Tiffany looks wistfully down at her only friend in the world for way too long a time. She mouths the words “I love you ALF” as she looks like she’s about to burst into tears. Foley ends with the word “extinguished” as the scene fades to black.

Yeah, they ended it with a downer, because why not? But wait, there’s one more kick in the gut.

I take it back. It just got worse. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

And… yeah. We get two In Memorandum cards. One for a Tom Kyle 1944-1987 and one for Tiffany Smith. So there are actually was a Tiffany, and she actually was 8 when she died. Yikes. All the yikes.

My research for this post revealed at least some of the inspiration for this incredibly bleak holiday episode. Paul Fusco (ALF’s performer, voice, and creator) and the ALF crew used to get Make-a-Wish letters from terminally ill children who wanted more than anything to meet ALF before they died. In order to retain the illusion, they didn’t want to have him visit in person. So they set up a video conference with the real-life Tiffany and a network exec saw the tape and decided it would make a good “Very Special Episode.”

I will say one thing for them. The ending credits played more somber music than usual and the credits did not end with ALF’s booming laughter like every other episode did. So they at least did that much.

ALF, the lovable scamp. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Soooo, thoughts? I like ALF. I do. Much of it is nostalgia, but it’s not entirely a bad concept or character. As a show it didn’t entirely age well, but what has? It takes me back to the 80’s, back to my childhood. It’s always nice to have these touchstones to a simpler time as the world becomes more complex. All that said, damn this is a bleak Christmas special.

I see what they were getting at. But despite what they were trying to do with this episode, you cannot escape the fact that it was a Christmas special concerning suicide and the terminal illness of a child. It was, above all else… depressing. But I think it was meant to be? Although I feel like the ALF crew was aiming more for uplifting, I feel the dark themes made it impossible to reach uplifting… the whole thing was mired in a sadness it couldn’t escape. The muted quality of the laugh track (normally wild and intrusive, here quiet and somber) just contributed to that. It was like one or two people laugh at a stand up comedian’s joke and then look around nervously when they notice no one else is laughing. The jokes felt tacked on and borderline offensive in light of the heavier themes.

The elevator birth sequence especially seemed completely unnecessary and out of place. It added nothing to the episode, did not impact ALF’s character or his arc. They didn’t even tightly tie it in to the rest of the episode. No “oh the joy of new life” or the metaphor of this new life coming right as another is about to blink out. Oh, I’m sure that’s why they did it. (Although the more cynical part of me suspects they just needed to fill seven minutes and had an intern pound out a few pages on the script.) I mean, they attempted to tie it in. ALF suggested they name the baby Tiffany and mentioned Foley’s words. Really, though, it was filler. A wacky and overused sitcom trope designed to lighten the mood and offset some of the darkness. (Hey folks, don’t worry about poor old Tiffany. We now have New Tiffany! …ugh, I am cynical now. This episode made me cynical. Thanks, ALF.)

And the plot holes! I mentioned the Tanners not realizing ALF was gone… Foley not realizing ALF was gone… Doc Willoughby not caring how the baby was delivered. All around sloppy writing. There was a lot more, but I feel like I’m kicking a dead alien at this point.

Foley on the bridge was such a blatant homage to It’s a Wonderful Life. So between that and twice using Yes Virginia, this episode relied on familiar Christmas works that came before to lift it up. (Again, not enough lifting.) Also depression cannot be cured with a brief speech from a stranger. Telling someone to smile doesn’t automatically make them happy. I’m sure Foley’s meeting with Doc Willoughby helped and maybe he went into therapy, but it all just seemed like too quick a turnaround. Nowadays it comes across as tone-deaf to those of us who have actually faced depression and suicidal urges.

It wasn’t all bad. As a concept for a “Very Special Episode” it works. It just wasn’t executed as well as it could have been. The performances given by the guest characters— Tiffany, Foley, Willoughby— were great. That little girl is talented. According to IMDB, she quit acting a year after this and grew up to be a veterinarian. Nice. ALF killed her love of acting. Kidding, kidding. I’m glad she’s doing something she loves. She turned out better than some child stars.

Like on all Very Special Episodes, our main character learned a lot. Life is fleeting. Giving is more important than receiving. You’re not the center of the universe. Everyone has their own trials and pain and what they’re going through may not be completely evident on the surface. So, did ALF take these lessons to heart and learn to value life and respect his adoptive family? Character development-wise, what kind of impact did this have on ALF going forward?

Zero. Zero impact. In fact, in the very next episode ALF outs himself to the neighbor’s nephew who at first seems entirely untrustworthy. In the remainder of the season, he goes on to cause Willie’s uncle to have a fatal heart attack, accidentally traumatizes Kate’s alcoholic friend, steals Willie’s identity and ruins his reputation, and then essentially catfishes a blind woman, dating and moving in with her and never revealing that he’s an alien. (To this day she believes he is a small, hairy man.)

So did ALF learn humanity from young Tiffany? To cherish life and protect those around him? Nope. Tiffany is never mentioned again, this experience never referenced and assumedly never thought of again. ALF continued to act selfishly and if anything his loneliness led him to become even more reckless, endangering himself and the growing number of people he reveals himself to.

You knew he was gonna end up in the chimney. They really had no choice. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Which brings me to the next point. I said I was going to talk about it, so here goes. Prepare for a nitpicky fan lecture. One of the things that bothered me the most about this episode was its blatant disregard for ALF’s secrecy. This may seem small, but it was one of the main tenets the show was built upon. ALF must remain in hiding. It’s Rule #1. In this episode that rule is thrown out of the window with needless abandon and that always bugged me.

This episode marks the most people in a single episode that ALF revealed himself to. If you count all the people in the hospital who assumed he was a doll, ALF was seen by roughly 39 people in this episode. And it all could have been avoided if ALF had just revealed himself to Foley in the first place. I know he was “playing dead” and acting like a toy— something he’s done before in the series to avoid capture. The excuse could be made that the situation spun out of his control, but he’s revealed himself for more minor reasons than accidental kidnapping. I mean he revealed himself to Tiffany to avoid putting on earrings. To avoid Foley discovering him, ALF ends up being seen by an entire hospital of kids, nurses, and doctors, Tiffany, Denise, and ultimately Foley himself anyway, making his initial ruse moot.

As I rewatched the series I kept a mental tally of how many people had seen ALF by the end. It ended up being a ridiculous amount of people before I lost count. As I was writing this post, I checked it on the ALF Wiki. (Yes there’s an ALF Wiki. Hush.) The number they came up with was 94. (And more than a third of that number happened in this episode alone.) Almost a hundred people. In just 4 years. Good job hiding, you stupid Melmacian. You had one job, ALF. One job.

Okay, now that I have that all out of my system, let’s brighten things up a tad. I know I ragged on this episode pretty hard, but you know it was all in good fun. (And payback for the episode making me feel things.) You know my blog is more about positivity, so let’s end on a more positive note. As I said, the guest performances were fantastic. Paul Fusco knows how to soften the brash alien’s rough edges when needed. It’s something that happens often in the show’s four seasons. There were some genuinely touching moments between ALF and Tiffany.

I do appreciate what they tried to do with this episode. They attempted to bring some pretty heavy themes into a typically light-hearted show. They tried to make people think about how precious life is and how much of an impact we can make on each other’s lives. And no matter how depressing or awkwardly handled, these are vitally important messages no matter what decade you’re in or what planet you come from.

Name a more cheery Christmas special. I’ll wait. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)

Thank you all for sharing my suffering as I relived ALF’s Special Christmas. A very cursed, mostly forgotten Christmas-themed “Very Special Episode” of ALF. I went into this expecting to completely roast this special, but I did just watch The Star Wars Holiday Special four times while creating my post about it, so I find myself mostly roasted out. Looking at this with fresh eyes, I can totally see what they were aiming for with this… I just feel like they missed the mark in most places and ended up with a dark, out of place curiosity rather than a timeless classic. Still, it had its moments. It tried, and isn’t that the greatest gift of all? Trying?

Anyway, that’s a wrap on my last post of 2020. I want to thank you all for supporting and encouraging me by reading my blog this year. I appreciate it more than I can say to think that so many people are visiting my site and enjoying my random pop culture rambling. It makes all the hard work worth it. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, a hairy Life Day, and whatever other holiday you may celebrate. I have a lot of content planned for 2021 and I hope to see you all on the other side of this trying and difficult year. Until I see you all again, keep looking for treasure wherever it may be hiding. Even if it’s buried in the 80s.

And… scene. (Credit: Alien Productions, Warner Bros.)